[推特选译] 上帝之推

@TheTweetOfGod
绝赞的推特号……

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
有效祈祷秘诀:祈求那些本来就会发生的事情。


Millions of people simultaneously believe both that Barack Obama is Muslim and that I had a son born of a virgin. Humanity, you're the best!
数百万人同时相信(a)奥黑是个穆斯林,(b)我有个儿子是处女生的。人类你们真是太赞了呢!


The next generation has been the worst generation in the minds of the present generation for 500 generations.
在当前的一代看来下一代将是最糟的一代这件事情已经持续了五百代。


I've put in six honest days' work in My whole career.
我的全部职业生涯里一共就认真干了六天活儿。


Retweet this and nothing will happen.
转发这条推特,什么也不会发生。


If I didn't mean for you to eat pigs I wouldn't have made them out of pork.
如果我不想让你们吃猪的话,我干嘛要往里面塞猪肉。


Attention: will the owners of a blue planet with tectonic plates please tend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
注意:某个有板块的蓝色星球的所有者,请照顾一下你的载具。它过热了。


Just to answer a few prayers:No.No.Maybe.No.I'll think about it.I'll see what I can do.Reply hazy. Ask again later.Absolutely not.
就回答一下几个祈祷:
不。
不。
也许吧。
不。
让我想想。
我看看有啥能做的。
回复模糊。请稍后再问。
绝对不行。


My favorite word is "Amen" because when I hear it it means you're done asking Me for stupid shit.
我最爱的词是“阿门”——因为听到这个词就说明你们终于把“向我祈求愚蠢的东西”这件事做完了。


If you're not following Me on Twitter you're going to hell. If you are following me on Twitter you're going to hell... first-class!
如果你在推上不关注我,你会去地狱。如果你在推上关注我,你会去地狱……但是坐头等舱!


Don't let anyone convert you into their way of not thinking.
不要让任何人说服你接受他们不思考的方式。


First I created stupidity. Then, to give it some place to go, I created people.
起初我创造了愚蠢。然后,为了让它有个去处,我创造了人。


If I could give one piece of advice to help you avoid the hardships and misery of this world, I wouldn't.
如果我能给你们一条建议让你们绕开这世间的艰辛与苦难,我不给。


Don't despair. It's always been this bad. You've just gotten better at noticing it.
不要绝望。世界一直是这么糟糕。只是你的观察力进步了。


I want 5,000 retweets by noon tomorrow or your moon gets whacked.
到明天中午为止我要五千转发,不然你们的月亮就玩完了。


It's too bad the meaning of life is 141 characters.
真遗憾,人生的意义是141个字。


Age is just a number. A number that indicates your proximity to death.
年龄只是一个数字。一个衡量你离死还有多近的数字。


Good things come to those with cash.
有钱者事竟成。


Don't waste time worrying about what other people think. Because deep down you already know what they think. They think you suck.
不要花时间担心别人怎么看待你。因为你内心深处其实是知道的——他们认为你矬爆了。


If you can make a difference in the life of one person, it probably should be you.
如果你能改变一个人的生命,那个人大概应该是你。


The reason I don't respond to your tweets is the same reason I don't respond to your prayers: I infinitely don't care.
我不回复你们的推特,原因与我不回应祈祷一样:我特么的一点儿都不在乎。


The people who think the world will end all at once will be largely responsible for it ending gradually.
那些认为世界将在瞬间毁灭的人,要为它逐渐毁灭而负责。


You can't believe everything you read. But many people don't even read what they believe.
你不能完全相信你读的东西。但很多人甚至不读他们相信的东西。


Life is unfair, but that's a good thing. If it were fair things would go even worse for you.
人生不公平,这是件好事。要真的公平的话,你的处境只会更糟。


You're all stuck in the same lifeboat in the same ocean and you're all too busy trying to throw each other overboard to fix the leak.
你们全都在同一片大海的同一艘救生艇里,而你们忙于把对方扔下去,都没空来补漏洞。


You will die. We apologize for the inconvenience.
你会死。对此造成的不便我们深表歉意。

The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
圣经是100%准确的。尤其是近距离投掷的时候。


Wrong people are just as sure right people are wrong as right people are sure wrong people are wrong. The only difference is they're wrong.
错误的人确信正确的人错了,正如正确的人确信错误的人错了一样——唯一的区别是前者错了。

I've got the best fans in the whole world because they're the kind of fans willing to kill themselves and each other to prove they are.
我有全世界最好的粉丝,他们为了证明这一点甚至愿意杀掉自己或别人。


Sexuality is a choice. Mine.
性向是个人选择。我选的。


Sometimes I love you all so much I want to kill you and bring you up here and hug you.
有时候我真是爱你们啊,都想把你们杀了带上来好给你们一个拥抱。


Just because some idiot disagrees with you doesn't make you not an idiot.
有傻逼和你意见相左,并不意味着你就不是傻逼。


I know it's "ungodly" of Me to curse as much as I do, and I want to stop, but it's hard when so many of you are so fucking stupid.
我知道像我这样成天粗口挺掉价的,我也想停啊,但是你们太多的人都太他妈的蠢了。


Never be afraid to fail. What's the point? You're gonna fail anyway, you failure.
不要害怕失败,没意义的,反正你早晚要失败。


Artificial intelligence can never replace natural stupidity.
人工智能永远取代不了天生愚蠢。


The hardest part about being perfect is I have no excuse when I screw things up.
身为完人,最大的麻烦是搞砸了事情没法找借口。


My love for you is unconditional, provided you do and think exactly as I say.
我对你的爱是无条件的——如果我怎么说你就怎么想怎么做的话。


Everything happens for a reason, and the reason is I don't know what I'm doing.
万事都有原因,原因就是我不知道我在干啥。


Your right to be stupid does not change the fact that you're stupid.
你有权愚蠢,但这并不能改变你愚蠢这个事实。


If ignorance is bliss, why is the world so unhappy?
如果无知是福,这世界为何如此不幸福?


It's not that I don't exist. It's that I don't give a crap.
不是我不存在。是我懒得理你们。


"Why did you create mosquitoes?" A better question is "Why did you create people?" Answer: to feed the mosquitoes.
“为什么创造蚊子?”其实应该问的是“为什么创造人类?”答案:喂蚊子。

Orgasms are My way of apologizing for everything other than orgasms.
我创造了性高潮,是我对创造一切性高潮以外的东西的致歉。


I am watching you read this. And I know your inmost thoughts about it. And I control your life. And I love you. #notcreepythough
我看着你读这一条。我知道你内心的真实想法。我控制着你的人生。以及我爱你。#还不够西斯空寂

Why do bad things happen to good people? To balance out the good things that happen to bad people.
好人为啥遇到坏事?因为坏人也会遇到好事。平衡嘛。

Telling people to kill in My name was probably the worst PR advice I ever received.
让人们以我的名义杀戮,大概是我收到过的最差劲的公关建议。


If you don't think you can go gay to heaven, go straight to hell.
如果你不觉得弯着能上天堂,那就直下地狱好了。

Power tends to corrupt. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I'm omnipotent. Do the math.
权力会腐败。绝对权力绝对会腐败。我是全能的。自己琢磨吧。


Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get even worse.
有时候事情要先变糟才能变得更糟。


Stop comparing Me to an "imaginary friend". I'm not your friend.
不要把我和“想象中的朋友”相提并论。我才不是你朋友。

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
临死之前,你的全部生命会闪现在你的眼前。全过程一般需要70-80年。


Attention: Due to maintenance, the laws of physics will be suspended from 11pm to 6am this evening. We apologize for the inconvenience.
注意:由于维护需求,物理定律将在今晚11点到明早6点暂停服务。我们对可能造成的不便深表歉意。


Why is it that when someone says a very nice thing no one ever responds, "Go to heaven!"
为什么当有人说了一句很好的话时,没人对他说“上天堂吧”?


To err is human, to refuse to acknowledge it even more so.
犯错乃人之天性,拒绝承认错误尤其如此。


I could kill you all Myself, but it's morefun watching you do it.
我当然能把你们全干掉,但看你们自己干要更好玩嘛。


If the Earth swallowed you all up whole there's not a court in the universe that wouldn't rule it self-defense.
如果地球哪天把你们全吞掉,任何一个宇宙法庭都会裁决为正当防卫的。


Ever since Jesus said anybody who believes in him gets to go to heaven this place has been overrun by douchebags.
自从耶稣说无论何人信他者皆可上天堂,这地儿就塞满了傻逼。


Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
昨儿是全国祈祷日,那今天肯定是全国失望日了吧。

There are many people who need to improve their shutting-up skills.
许多人都需要修炼他们的闭嘴技能。


Looking back, I guess making those other 700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars was a bit unnecessary.
现在想来,创造另外那些700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000颗星星好像有点儿不太必要啊。


Life is like a box of chocolates. It's really bad for you.
生命像一盒巧克力。对你没好处。

My son died for your sins, and I'll never forgive you for that.
我儿子为你们的罪而死。我永远都不会原谅你们。


The best way to not lose hope is never to have it.
不失去希望的最好办法就是压根别抱希望。

I apologize to 20% of you for the other 80%.
因为世界上80%的人的存在,我向剩下的20%道歉。

I don't have a problem with homophobes so long as they stay in the closet about it.
我对恐同患者没有意见,只要他们对此事别出柜就好。

Things are never as bad as they seem. People, though, are usually worse.
事情永远没有看起来那么糟。但人们通常比看起来更糟。

Whoever hits you on the right cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impervious to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
凡有打你右脸的,把左脸也转过来,给他看你对脸颊攻击免疫,然后把他揍出屎。


Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.
钱买不来快乐。但没钱也买不来。而且钱能买好多别的好东西,所以还是有点儿钱比较好。


There is no past. There is no future. There is only this moment. And you're using it to read this?!?
没有过去。也没有未来。只有此刻。而你把它花在读这玩意儿上?

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