The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Millions of people simultaneously believe both that Barack Obama is Muslim and that I had a son born of a virgin. Humanity, you're the best!
The next generation has been the worst generation in the minds of the present generation for 500 generations.
I've put in six honest days' work in My whole career.
Retweet this and nothing will happen.
If I didn't mean for you to eat pigs I wouldn't have made them out of pork.
Attention: will the owners of a blue planet with tectonic plates please tend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Just to answer a few prayers:No.No.Maybe.No.I'll think about it.I'll see what I can do.Reply hazy. Ask again later.Absolutely not.
My favorite word is "Amen" because when I hear it it means you're done asking Me for stupid shit.
If you're not following Me on Twitter you're going to hell. If you are following me on Twitter you're going to hell... first-class!
Don't let anyone convert you into their way of not thinking.
First I created stupidity. Then, to give it some place to go, I created people.
If I could give one piece of advice to help you avoid the hardships and misery of this world, I wouldn't.
Don't despair. It's always been this bad. You've just gotten better at noticing it.
I want 5,000 retweets by noon tomorrow or your moon gets whacked.
It's too bad the meaning of life is 141 characters.
Age is just a number. A number that indicates your proximity to death.
Good things come to those with cash.
Don't waste time worrying about what other people think. Because deep down you already know what they think. They think you suck.
If you can make a difference in the life of one person, it probably should be you.
The reason I don't respond to your tweets is the same reason I don't respond to your prayers: I infinitely don't care.
The people who think the world will end all at once will be largely responsible for it ending gradually.
You can't believe everything you read. But many people don't even read what they believe.
Life is unfair, but that's a good thing. If it were fair things would go even worse for you.
You're all stuck in the same lifeboat in the same ocean and you're all too busy trying to throw each other overboard to fix the leak.
You will die. We apologize for the inconvenience.
The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Wrong people are just as sure right people are wrong as right people are sure wrong people are wrong. The only difference is they're wrong.
I've got the best fans in the whole world because they're the kind of fans willing to kill themselves and each other to prove they are.
Sexuality is a choice. Mine.
Sometimes I love you all so much I want to kill you and bring you up here and hug you.
Just because some idiot disagrees with you doesn't make you not an idiot.
I know it's "ungodly" of Me to curse as much as I do, and I want to stop, but it's hard when so many of you are so fucking stupid.
Never be afraid to fail. What's the point? You're gonna fail anyway, you failure.
Artificial intelligence can never replace natural stupidity.
The hardest part about being perfect is I have no excuse when I screw things up.
My love for you is unconditional, provided you do and think exactly as I say.
Everything happens for a reason, and the reason is I don't know what I'm doing.
Your right to be stupid does not change the fact that you're stupid.
If ignorance is bliss, why is the world so unhappy?
It's not that I don't exist. It's that I don't give a crap.
"Why did you create mosquitoes?" A better question is "Why did you create people?" Answer: to feed the mosquitoes.
Orgasms are My way of apologizing for everything other than orgasms.
I am watching you read this. And I know your inmost thoughts about it. And I control your life. And I love you. #notcreepythough
Why do bad things happen to good people? To balance out the good things that happen to bad people.
Telling people to kill in My name was probably the worst PR advice I ever received.
If you don't think you can go gay to heaven, go straight to hell.
Power tends to corrupt. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I'm omnipotent. Do the math.
Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get even worse.
Stop comparing Me to an "imaginary friend". I'm not your friend.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Attention: Due to maintenance, the laws of physics will be suspended from 11pm to 6am this evening. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Why is it that when someone says a very nice thing no one ever responds, "Go to heaven!"
To err is human, to refuse to acknowledge it even more so.
I could kill you all Myself, but it's morefun watching you do it.
If the Earth swallowed you all up whole there's not a court in the universe that wouldn't rule it self-defense.
Ever since Jesus said anybody who believes in him gets to go to heaven this place has been overrun by douchebags.
Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
There are many people who need to improve their shutting-up skills.
Looking back, I guess making those other 700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars was a bit unnecessary.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It's really bad for you.
My son died for your sins, and I'll never forgive you for that.
The best way to not lose hope is never to have it.
I apologize to 20% of you for the other 80%.
I don't have a problem with homophobes so long as they stay in the closet about it.
Things are never as bad as they seem. People, though, are usually worse.
Whoever hits you on the right cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impervious to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.
There is no past. There is no future. There is only this moment. And you're using it to read this?!?